5 years

[This post isn't like most on this blog it is very personal and I have debated on whether or not to publish it. It is personal and I don't want it to distract from what I normally do here, not that I have posted in a while. But I needed this, call it selfish if you wish, it is, but what else is a blog for. This post is definitely not the best one I have ever done, written in one sitting with very little thought for grammar but it is how my mind put it. In the end I needed to say something here, make what I have said in private every year public for whatever reason I think it will help. If you don't want to read I completely understand and I will try to get back to something more sciency soon, but for the time just hang with me.]

I couldn't sleep last night. No, it wasn't because I was waiting on a grade or had a big project due. It wasn't because someone was angry with me or that I was nervous about some upcoming meeting. It wasn't because I am excited for an upcoming birthday or holiday. No, it was for a much more somber reason today marks the 5th anniversary of the mass shooting that shocked the university I love, Virginia Tech. If there is one thing that is sure to keep me up at night it is thinking about that day what happened and how it effected me but more importantly those who I care for. That day is a combination between a blur and very vivid to me, a blur because it happened so fast and vivid because I remember little details that still bring up a surge of emotions that I am incapable of stopping. I remember the police and ambulance sirens, rare but not unheard of, at formation in the morning; I remember pushing the dorm door open to go to class only to have a wave of students push me back in and tell me not to leave; I remember the cold, especially for April, air that whole day and the occasional snow flake; I remember our Deputy Commandant asking if any of us knew of the location of a cadet, a member of the band, who no one had heard from, Matthew Joseph La Porte. These memories are hard emotionally but at the same time there are memories that make me feel the strength of the Virginia Tech community. I remember the memorial that, created by students, was formed overnight; I remember the convocation not because the President was there but because of the thousands of Hokies showing one moment of strength; I remember the lone base drum on the march to the candlelight vigil on the 17th; I remember the following Monday, as school started back up, my classes were full, everyone was there, we may have been nervous but we weren't going to allow one person destroy us and destroy our school. One memory I don't have much memory of is the way the media covered the situation because by 3 PM on the 16th we couldn't watch anymore news and I would not turn the news back on my TV for well over a week. I have seen the videos since that show the strength of the Hokie community the maturity of my fellow students amazes me to this day. Would I have reacted the same as them? I would like to think so but to be honest I am glad I didn't have to face that challenge.

Since that day a lot has changed. Over the months that followed I was asked repeatedly if I was there, if I knew someone who was killed. The answers are always yes and over those months I expected that I knew how people would react, what people would ask. I love Virginia Tech it gave me so many great things among them include; a great education, a place I want to return to (often enough I got married there), friends closer than I could have ever imagined, and most importantly a beautiful intelligent wife. It also gave me a sense of community, it seems that everywhere I go from Baton Rouge, LA to Lubbock, TX, from Nashville, TN, to Las Vegas, NV, I have run into one or several Hokies. For this reason I wear VT stuff everywhere I go shouts of, "Let's Go Hokies!" I have heard everywhere including for a Colonel in the United States Air Force at Atlanta Hatfield International Airport. I bring this up because I know everywhere I go I will still get questions, were you there, did you know anyone? These don't bother me coming from people who have known me for a while but when I first meet you and those are your first questions about my school it effects me. While I know that in many people's minds that is what Virginia Tech will always be known for I would rather people know it for the great architecture and engineering programs, producing great leaders in both the military and the civilian world, or even for having one hell of a great football team. I know that even if someone only knows it for the horrible tragedy that happened nearby there is always someone who knows it for the drillfield, the beautiful buildings and campus, the excitement of a Thursday night game in Lane Stadium, hiking on the nearby Appalachian Trail, or for the sense of community that has always existed from being a Hokie.

My life changed that day, I no longer live just for myself I want to be a stellar representative of my university, I live for the 32. There names should always be remembered; Ross A. Alameddine, Christopher James Bishop, Brian R. Bluhm, Ryan Christopher Clark, Austin Michelle Cloyd, Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, Kevin P. Granata, Matthew Gregory Gwaltney, Caitlin Millar Hammaren, Jeremy Michael Herbstritt, Rachael Elizabeth Hill, Emily Jane Hilscher, Jarrett Lee Lane, Matthew Joseph La Porte, Henry J. Lee, Liviu Librescu, G.V. Loganathan, Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan, Lauren Ashley McCain, Daniel Patrick O’Neil, Juan Ramon Ortiz-Ortiz, Minal Hiralal Panchal, Daniel Alejandro Perez Cueva, Erin Nicole Peterson, Michael Steven Pohle, Jr., Julia Kathleen Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Joseph Samaha, Waleed Mohamed Shaalan, Leslie Geraldine Sherman, Maxine Shelly Turner, and Nicole Regina White. I try to live every day by the university's motto, "Ut Prosim", that I may serve. The 5 years have seemed to have flown by and while much of the time in between in a blur I remember that day. So as I sit here in West Texas there is a chill in the air, not as cold as that day but still much cooler than it has been the last few, it seems fitting. If I am the only person I see wearing Maroon and Orange today I would not be surprised but I know that I am not alone, not the only one who remembers. 5 years of memories have been coming back to me since last night and because of that I couldn't sleep last night and I know I won't sleep tonight.

"WE ARE VIRGINIA TECH"